Relationship Counseling & EFT–Jealousy in Relationships
Have you ever been angry that your partner or spouse kept indulging himself with special lunches out and scolded him for wasting money? Been angry that your girlfriend or wife liked to buy a new blouse or skirt every season? Or thought your kids are spoiled because they get to choose the story they have read to them at night? Or maybe each one gets to choose their own?
Are They Wrong or Are We Jealous?
I wouldn’t say that these kinds of feelings and thoughts are never just logical and reasonable. Sometimes our partners do spend too much and kids don’t have enough limits. In the couple counseling and relationship counseling part of my practice, I have noticed, though, that a lot of times there’s something else going on in us when we have these feelings and thoughts. Often, it’s because we feel deprived, and this leads us to be jealous of our partners, our children, our co-workers, our friends—whomever we’re around.
Childhood Trauma Leads to Jealousy of His Child
So maybe it would be a good idea to look inside a bit and figure out what’s making us feel deprived? A lot of times, we’re actually depriving ourselves! I had a client, for example, who had been abused and severely controlled by his mother as a child. He was severely punished whenever she wanted something from him that a child should not have to give a parent. When his child wanted something or didn’t want something, he got very angry at him. He saw his child as being unreasonably willful. Digging deeper, he was able to see that, not only was he deprived of choice as a child, but he was even now depriving himself. He was often doing things out of a sense of duty or fear and then resenting what he felt he had to do. I was able to help him see where he had choices and to choose them. This brought him a sense of greater emotional freedom.
It’s Really About Self-Deprivation but Could be About Emotional Freedom
This also works in couples counseling, where couples often have complementary feelings of jealousy, arising out of their own self-deprivation! For example, the wife in one client couple was upset that her husband spent so much time and energy on his career. She had chosen to stay at home with the kids, who were now in school. Without really being aware of it, she had started feeling bad about her worth and unchallenged intellectually. She felt she couldn’t go back to her career because of the kids. When all three of us looked into this more with relationship counseling, her husband was all for her going back to work, her kids were in school during the day, and she was able to get a part-time job in her field.
Relationship Counseling Creates Emotional Freedom
Before they worked through their issues in couples counseling, the husband in this couple felt that his wife had a lot of free time and was angry that she was complaining. It turned out that he was feeling burdened by having to sustain the family financially and worked way more hours than he wanted to. He was depriving himself of time to go for bike rides, which had, in the past, always helped him to relax. He was able to see that the burden was not all on his shoulders, and that he actually could make some time to ride his bike, even before his wife went back to work.
Again, using jealousy as a starting point in their couple therapy to find out how each was depriving him/herself, the couple was able to find a greater sense of individual emotional freedom and joy in their relationship.
Wishing you a free and joyous life,